chocolateCHAT| Today’s Rachet Award Goes To….

Werk or Hell naw?

Here’s a question to you though. The twerk team post numerous videos of them doing the exact same thing, and plenty of young girls (around his age) have posted videos similar to this one as well. Why is this video causing such an uproar? Is it because of his gender? His assumed sexual orientation? His age?

With over 32, 000 comments on its FB posting the general census is that it’s all of the above. I went to check a similar video with girls dancing and the comments were on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m very curious as to the exact reason this video has people saying, “smh” on social networks while the same people will post “#werk” when they see women/young girls doing the same thing.

Here is  a copy of the video of the little boy dancing. To see the comments click Here.

 

Here is the twerk team giving lessons on how to Twerk.

 

Double Standard anyone?

chocolateCHAT| ALL-SLUT WEEKEND 2013: How To Get Chose Next Year

ALL SLUT WEEKEND 2013 is officially over. There are groupie tales being sent to blogs and pregnancy test are being taken in hopes of winning the lottery. Outfits and shoes are being taken back and eye lashes, weaves, lace fronts, are being placed in air tight vaults for next year. Lastly, eviction and disconnection notices are being sent in red ink, antibiotics are being prescribed and somebody is moving back in with her parents.

So you didn’t get chose this weekend. Sad? Don’t be! It’s because you didn’t have my tips and guide to how to get chose! Don’t fret here it is to get you ready for ALL-SLUT WEEKEND 2014!!

First things first. You have to be financially prepared to take on this venture. Hotels, food, travel, gas, and venue prices are going to be very expensive! So you can either take out a loan, use your rent money, utility payments and car note or take out a second mortgage on your home. Oh lets not forget you can file your taxes early and use your tax refund! Seems a bit excessive but if you get chose money won’t be an issue ever again!

Attire: In this situation think of yourself as a walking commercial! Absolutely nothing below the knee but six inch stilettos! Don’t fret if all the clothes in your closet are too conservative…that’s why God made scissors! Lace, sheer, fish net, mesh, plastic, fuzzy yarn, and seran wrap are all acceptable materials for your outfit. If all else fails stickers cost $.99 and do and excellent job at areola coverage! Do NOT consider the weather. Catching diseases is an occupational hazard.

Shoes: Nobody ever got impregnated by wearing flats! The heaux stroll looks easy but without Dr. Sholls shoe inserts it could be a nightmare. The slow tiptoe “My feet are on fire” walk will put you in last place! Build your tolerance! Run miles in pumps on concrete. Buy shoes too big to give your feet room to swell.

Hair/makeup: Athletes and celebrities like women that are racially ambiguous. This means that any weave that costs less than $300 is unacceptable. You need to look mixed with Puerto rican! All weaves that are dusty will be disqualified immediately! As far as makeup goes you need to go to your local Mac counter and tell them you want the “trashy” “clown” or “prostitute” look. They will know what you’re talking about. Matter of fact they may already be wearing it!

Solo or with friends? I recommend going with three friends who are extremely dusty! Don’t let them get a hold of this post. Encourage them to dress conservative by using popular anti-groupie statements like, “you know its going to be cold girl you betta put on some REAL clothes” Think of these dust bunnies as your backdrop that’s making you shine bright!

Do your homework: You need to know everything about the target that you are trying to trap! Salary, pump ratio, favorite drink for you to ruffie, etc. You don’t want to get caught off guard or miss an opportunity! And don’t be greedy, a rookie is sometimes better than an established athlete (mainly because they still believe that not EVERY woman is a groupie….hahaha SUCKAS!)

The Purse: The contents of your heaux bag are extremely important! You need baby wipes, extra pairs of panties (for those if you stuck up heiffas that has the audacity to wear some in the first place), pretzels, ginger ale, pre poked condoms, 5 hour energy, aspirin, lube, makeup, Molly, extra cell phone battery, deodorant, toothpaste and brush (just because you don’t sleep doesn’t mean you don’t have morning breath) eye lash glue etc. Notice I did not say bring a jacket, umbrella, dignity, self respect, or morals. Leave that crap at home!

Where to go? You can go to all events that cost more than your monthly rent, or you can hang out in hotel lobbies of your target. Remember to look busy and look down on other groupies and the fully dressed women. Tell yourself things like, “They ain’t on my level! They just hating!” Groupie confidence is key!

Trap or Die: If you follow my rules and guidelines you will be chosen! But you have to make sure its worth it. Pregnancy is an 18 year guaranteed paycheck! Aim high ladies! Don’t just settle for the experience! It is imperative that you eat yams to make sure you are fertile and miss a few days with your form of birth control to increase your chances of conception. Failing to plan is a plan to fail ladies!

I hope that these tips help you win next year! Happy hunting ladies!

Until next time, Lady Godiva

::wipes sarcasm that’s dripping from my lips with a wet nap::

Sharing is caring! #facebook #twitter #email #texts

chocolateCHAT| Niggerish Shenanigans: Jeezy is in Jail? I’m so surprised!

Did you catch that heavy dose of sarcasm in the title?! I was scrolling through Facebook and ran across this picture! WHaaaaaat?! What a waste of time, space, and energy!  When are “rappers” going to learn that living the life that you rapping about will be ALWAYS end badly.  Maybe I should be happy that one more “fluff” musician is away for a bit?

chocolateCHAT| Weekend’s Winners and Losers: Bar Fight?

Winner and Losers…why not?

This weekend I went out to a bar to celebrate my awesome sister in law’s birthday. DH and I are quickly becoming home bodies despite our age, but due to my siblings being in one place we shook off the “itis” that was creeping up, got up and drove forty minutes across town.  ::applause::

Now when we get there I’m thinking, this is a pretty chill spot but the lack of seating made me pat myself of the back for not wearing my usual six inch stilettos! My brother and wife have a nice food and drink set up and are already going in! #goodfamily #goodtimes

Now the scene is set let’s get to the list of Winners and Losers:

In third place for this week’s biggest loser is dude with the texturizer. I’m sure back in your college and high school days that “I got good hair” act worked on ALL the ladies but it just made you seem thirsty for you to keep rubbing your head trying to bring attention to your slick hairstyle. You see back in the gap you could process your hair in secret and pretend you were “mixed” but the older you  get the more spots you are starting to miss. Those shoulder and arms aren’t as flexible as they were back then huh? The back of your hair needs a flat iron! Badly! Honestly I was wondering if they sell “Hawaiian Silky” at your beauty supply store.  Boy sit down with your played out “Kappa” style. You can’t keep shimmying your whole damn life! At some point you have to walk!

Runner up for mediocre loser goes to the lady that had on shorts. O_O Hunny, I know times are hard and the market isn’t looking good but darling you have got to do better! It’s 2013. Let me be clear, she had on booty shorts with bare legs! I have seen” shorts worn in the winter” done in a tasteful way that is socially acceptable (if Mr. Gibbs says so) considering the bi-polar weather we have here, but this was…. ::looks for my momma belt to give her a couple of swats:: A word of advice, you may not know it but you no longer have to show your T&A to be considered sexy. Classy is the new Sexy! I’m sure you sat in the mirror and told yourself, “They are going to be hating on me tonight!” When in actuality I’m pitying you because although those shoes are cute that flu that’s coming won’t be.  Would somebody’s grandma please tell this chick that she gone catch pneumonia in her ass

First place for MOST STUPID LOSER goes to the dude that was trying to start a fight. Here’s the thing…in a bar/club situation one should always be observant of who came with who before making violent decisions. I honestly feared for this young man’s life. You could literally see the plot and plans to merk this dude take place around him.  Oh let me not forget to mention he’s a tiny dude (about 5’7 and 150 soaking wet with bricks in his pocket) who is OBVIOUSLY drunk out of his mind. All the while the “plans” are being made this dude is taking off his jewelry and multiple shirts (he got the memo about it being cold outside not the chick in 2^nd place) and is making the situation far worse for himself with every action.  The police officer that was stationed near our section has disappeared and the DJ randomly starts playing Wacka Flocka, “Oh Leh dooo it”! Bahaha. Let’s just say the scene was set for an impromptu murder!  Happy ending though, eventually tiny dude comes to his senses and left. I like to think he was starting to sweat that alcohol off and his vision was becoming clearer!

Godiva Word Of Advice: To all the “I’ma bad ass and I like to fight in the club” readers: You should always be aware of the guy that isn’t in the crowd bumping chests with you. Be afraid of the guy off to the side that hasn’t said a word. He has been sitting back watching the entire situation unfold and knows exactly what he’s going to do when you cross that line of “I want to be injured tonight”.  He looks very “regular” but he isn’t. He is a REAL goon/gangsta/violent/shouldabeeninjailalongtimeago type of dude. Don’t let his smiling, laughing or nonchalant attitude during the incline of the situation fool you. He is dangerous. I know quite a few of these types of dudes and counted at least FOUR watching tiny dude in the bar. Just saying.

Stay aware my friends,

Lady Godiva

PS: Not saying I condone fighting/violence in public but sh!t happens and when it does you need to know what to look for!

chocolateCHAT| Gone With The Wind Fabulous

Now originally I was totally prepared to rip Kenya and this “song” a new one…but then….I SAW THE BACKGROUND DANCERS!
#werk #youbettatwirllikeyourlifedependsonit!

Kenya, like most misguided and untalented “artists” out there, has created a song that is full of what I like to call DUMBED DOWN or ABC lyrics. Simple words and a catch phrase chorus. ::rolls eyes:: Wanna hear another song with DUMBED DOWN lyrics? Turn on 97.9 or Pandora and put the station on “2Chainz”

sidenote: 2chainz stage name used to be Titty Boi but he changed it because he (from his ignorant mouth) said, “the name titty boi wasn’t family appropriate” O_O oh so the lyrics to your songs are? “All I want for my birthday is a big booty heaux!” Boyshutyoassup cause thats clearly where your lyrics are coming from.

Proof that too much ignorance is unhealthy. Engaging in NS on this level will kill your brain cells necessary for daily function and you can expect to pass out too!

So anyway… back to Kenya. I think, based off of the background dancers, shes trying to create the modern day “vogue” dance style. I personally love watching people vogue, hence my attention to the background dancers, but this music….its making my ears bleed!

“You say I’m old. I say I’m fabulous.”
No I say you’re BAT SH!T CRAZY & UNTALENTED! All in favor raise your hands. ::counts::

The ayes have it.

Dear Kenya and WHOEVER helped you to create, produce, market, and distribute that “song”,

 We know you are trying to take advantage of your 15 minutes but in the words of the true “Gone with the Wind” frankly my dear we don’t give a damn. Please sit down and shut up. In that order.

Impatiently waiting on you to do so,
chocolateCHAT readers & Lady G

Peep the performance below and don’t forget to share the article!

 

chocolateCHAT| Niggerish Shenanigans: Where Yo Mama At?!

Now I’m scrolling through my FB TL and run across this sh!t

 

Now true enough this was a re-post  but the point is this image exists! Some, judging by the picture, late teens early 20-ish young woman thought this was OK to post on social media.

Where is her mother, who not only forgot to teach her about birth control but CLASS as well.  Here’s another issue…How much you wanna bet she got “likes” and plenty of re-posts on this photo from her peers?

Pitiful. Embarrassing. Shameful. I have other words but it’s TUESDAY not GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST MONDAY.

Now there will be many of you that see this and think, “This is a damn shame!” but my question to you is what are you doing about it? I’m sure there are numerous young women around you who could use you as a mentor and you’re so busy shaking your head and looking down on them that you forget to lift them up.

Be The Change You Wish To See.

::sends off for homeschooling materials for the munchkin:: 

chocolateCHAT| Weekend’s Losers: A Trip to The Movies

Morning folk!

This weekend DH and I went to the movies with our god daughters (an assortment of pre-teens and teens ranging from ages 12-15) to see the movie “A Haunted House”.

Now anyone that loves spoofs like the “Scary Movie” series, written by the Wayans brothers, and Austin Powers knows what they are supposed to be like. This was the worse spoof I have EVAH seen. It was supposed to be making fun of the Paranormal Activity series and movie The Devil Inside which one would assume would be hilarious!

Marlon Wayans is apparently the least funny of the Wayans siblings because this movie while giving a few “hahaha” moments was nothing short of marshmallow porn. There was so much sex in this movie that even I was like O_O, especially considering I had brought my chirren with me assuming it was going to be like other spoofs.
Spoiler Alert: There’s a scene in which Malcom (Marlon Wayans) pretends to have sex with a teddy bear. Youre thinking, “How graphic could that get?”………VERY!

I don’t want to go into details but if you are looking for a comedy you would do better watching Sponge Bob than this movie. It’s really sad how good writing is no longer a requirement for a good movie. I swear he had to have written that script in under an hour. Terrible.

I said all that to say…surrounded by ridiculously dressed teenagers, hungry, tired, and utterly in shock and disappointed at the foolishness that is the movie A HAUNTED HOUSE I was this weekend’s loser.

Please excuse me while I go read the dictionary to gain some of brain cells back that I lost while watching that NS.

Random sidenote: Remember back in the gap when the pre-movie “no talking during the movie” would come on? Have yall seen what comes on now? Its like, “No tweeting, texting, speed texting, Facebooking, posting, emailing, etc.” DANG!! Times have changed but delicious movie popcorn hasn’t! #yum

Until Next Time,

Lady G

Don’t forget to share your favorite posts on FB and Twitter!

chocolateCHAT| FOOLISHNESS ALERT: RHOA Kenya Moore is trying to be a Pop Star

O_O

Seriously?! These folks are trying to milk their 15 minutes of fame DRY! I was reading a rumor blog saying that this may be her last season. I guess she figures she had better make the most of it!

She’s going to be performing the song this Sunday on What What Happen’s Live with Andy Cohen. ::sets DVR::

This song makes me queasy and dizzy and not because it’s going to be a ton of folk twirling around while listening to this song.

Here’s a preview:
http://www.bravotv.com/blogs/the-dish/hear-kenya-moores-new-song

chocolateCHAT| TLC’s Reality Show “Best Funeral Ever”

::mouth drop:: *blink-blink*

Is this serious?! Can’t be. This is a nation wide prank!

I’m embarrassed. Let me explain why. First of all the setting of this show is in my HOMETOWN. Guys, I grew up there and the vast majority of my family still lives there. I’m super embarrassed. When Dallas is on television its either for the famous television show of a family constantly at war with each other, The First 48, and now this sh!t.  From now on I’m from Australia. How are ya mate?!

Can we stop and just ask for a quick moment… WHAT IN THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO TLC?!

I remember that TLC used to show heart wrenching and educational shows. I spent the bulk of my pregnancy watching “A Baby Story” crying my eyes out watching women go through their pregnancy and deliveries.  Now all I see on TLC are shows like effin’ Honey Boo Boo and this crap?!

You have GOT to be kidding me?!

Next issue, the dude in charge at Golden Gate Funeral Home said that every funeral needs to be different (a unique experience). Bahahaha. Yea, because SOMEBODY is going to say, “Un uh this funeral is wack,  they had a glow in the dark casket at Billy’s funeral last week!” 

And please… the ceremonious dipping of a rib in barbeque sauce at the funeral?!?!

DEAD. ROSE AGAIN ON THE THIRD DAY. DIED AGAIN. LEFT A WILL THAT SAID DO NOT DIP RIBS AT MY FUNERAL PLEASE!

Y’all this is getting out of control. I couldn’t even laugh because I was in shock that this was actually happening AND televised.

Oh and let us not forget the “professional” mourners. O_O excuse me? How disrespectful can you get? Now when I was at home (back in Australia)  there used to be a lady that I swore was a professional mourner. She was the jump in the casket type of woman! hahaha!

The events of coonery (not funerals) that Golden Gate are putting on aren’t  about saying your goodbyes to a loved one respectfully. It’s a circus. A tacky circus.  I read that they wanted to air the show earlier but due to tragic events (Sandy Cook) they decided to postpone its debut saying that it would be inappropriate to show during such tragic times. NEWSFLASH: It’s still inappropriate to show!

I guess now my request to for someone to sing “Band a’make Her Dance” at my funeral isn’t so ridiculous huh?

Peep this sneak peek:

Until Next Time,

Lady Godiva

PS: Let one of y’all attempt to bring some damn elves to my funeral….I’ma jump out that casket and send myself to hell with all the profanity that’s going to come out of my mouth!

chocolateCHAT| New Year! New FLAVA!

I said I wasn’t going to post until next week but….what the heck!

So you can see I switched some things around right? “Oh you fancy huh?” I definitely am! Well allow me to tell you what inspired this change.

On late Sunday evening I was checking the Facebook Group and I notice a message from a site that shall not get ANY publicity from me saying that I need to “cease & desist” using a certain term because it was trademarked.

Now my FIRST  issue with this NS is the way it was handled. Why would you post something like that on a Facebook wall? Especially when there is a way for you to contact me privately through a message or… wait for it.. the email address that’s posted on the site?! It was absolutely unprofessional to conduct business that way.

In 2013, we definitely should get out of our feelings and handle business in an appropriate fashion. I don’t post on my client’s Facebook wall’s an hour before the photography session and say, “ugh your payment is late! where my money at?” Why not? Because that NS! It’s ree-donk-cu-lous!

I consider myself to be a sensible person. I have great morals and values (aka home-training) and I treat others the way I want to be treated. PLUS  y’all know the Lord is working on me (even though situations like this make me want to reach into my curse word bank) All this being said a simple PRIVATE  message would have made me be a lot more sympathetic versus my current mindset.  I won’t go into detail but I’m definitely this weeks WINNER!

I was always told, “you catch more bees with honey rather than vinegar.” This will be a hard lesson learned for some. ::hair flip::

Even bigger lesson…. KEEP IT PUSHING!  2013 will have some obstacles. I think that some people live in this fantasy world the first few days of a new year thinking that everything is going to be awesome and they won’t have any obstacles. Then at the first sign of distress, we resign to it being another disappointing year. It doesn’t have to be so. When an obstacle appears in your path I encourage you to put on your baddest pair of stilettos and STEP OVER THAT THANG!

Need an example of how to do it?!

::laces these bad boys up::

AND STEPS RIGHT OVER THIS OBSTACLE!  Welcome to chocolateCHAT. Real. Addictive. Sweet and sometimes Nutty. See y’all tomorrow! 😉

Until Next Time,

Lady Godiva